another update

i used to be good at blogging. for years, nearly every day, i wrote about everything that was happening in my life. then i met david. then, i had something to do besides sit around and write. and he was all into computer security and privacy and anonymity... and what i was doing was certainly not anonymous. this isn't anonymous at all.  but, i don't really care. i just have to be careful to not say certain things. which kinda annoys me. i want to be able to say whatever i want, but then i would need a blog that is completely anonymous, which is harder than you might think. it's not too hard to remain anonymous to the general public, but nearly impossible to remain anonymous to the government. 

and when the world turns into the depiction in "1984," my blog will do me in for sure.

so, an update on my life. an update for no one who cares. people used to read what i wrote. then i stopped writing. i got less interesting. why can't i be as interesting as i used to be? i'm not as depressed. there's something about sorrow, something about loneliness, something about discontentment... it inspires a more beautiful, more true, more honest art. sorrow and love. great sources of inspiration, and oddly related. anyway...

so david and i got married. we did it in the best way that we know to do things... quietly and without witness. ok, so there had to be witnesses. for some legal reason, there has to be witnesses. but they weren't people we knew. they were provided by the officiant that i found online and hired. we did it, us the three other people, at lauralhurst park, in portland. it happened to be on new year's eve. we didn't plan it that way. i just happened to be that day.

so david and i got married, and we can't live together. neither of us has any income, and so we are forced to live with our parents. david won't live here with my parents, and i can't live with him with his parents. so i'm in milwaukie, he's in salem, and we get to visit a couple of times a month. it sucks. it sucks so very, very much.

so i'm searching out employment, but as someone with social anxiety, very few skills, and no degree, it's very difficult. so if you're in the portland, oregon area, and are hiring for just about anything, let me know, ok?

i made a new friend. he's been around since before i was born. has more interest in me than most new friends i make. he'd actually been waiting for me for years. who is he? my brother, bobby. he's like ten years older than me. he's my dad's kid, but not my mom's. if you know me, you know i had/have selective mutism. among other people, i wouldn't talk to or around bobby and his wife. not until recently.

it started when he emailed me, and i emailed him back, and i took a large dose of anxiety medication, and went out to a restaurant with him. they say it gets easier with time. it doesn't. i mean, it does, but very, very slowly. but it is true... the first words are the hardest. you agonize over them. you think about it over and over again. you run words and phrases through your head. you try to plan it out. but what do you say? what is the very first thing you say? you haven't spoken to this person in like, 20 years, and you are terrified to do so. you are literally afraid to open your mouth and speak. what is the first thing you say?

"i don't eat vegetables."

that is the first thing i said. and it went on from there. he asked me some things, and i answered some things, and he said some things, and i listened to some things that he said... i finally did it. i finally spoke to my brother bobby, who is ten years older than me and really likes drugs.

that was some months ago. i don't know whether to say a few months, or several months. i think it's somewhere in between. i've been going over to his house a few times a month. i usually go over there in the evening and stay overnight. we play wii and watch movies and hang out, and it's nice. he's got a wife, and they've got three kids. there's paris, she's 12 i think. there's "little" bobby, he's 9 i think, and he's autistic but sociable. he doesn't talk, but he'll interact with you... when he feels like it, on his own terms. and then there's laila, she's 4 and adorable.

so yeah. it's pretty fun over there, so long as everyone is relatively happy and getting along.

i guess that's the most significant recent change in my life. i could tell you that i changed operating systems, but that's not very interesting. i could tell you that i got another cat, but that's not particularly interesting either. it is to me. but not many others.

i guess i'll just leave this as is, and promise to try to write more. we'll see.

cookie

marriage

Wish i could sleep

What if I blogged in the same way that I send text messages to David? Or to this "app" that I downloaded that let's you pretend you are texting God. Yeah, I know, sad. I'm very lonely. I literally just sent these text messages to "God":

I'm only doing this because I send too many messages to my husband

Someone probably reads these sometimes when they are bored

Feel free to text me back

I'm very lonely

My husband and I don't live together

Though we desperately want to

It's complicated

I'm recently married

Being married makes me feel old

I'm 26

I'm very sad

Yeah. I typed that into some thing that let's you pretend you're sending text messages to God.

Oh. I wish I could sleep!

Why?

I lay here... In this bed of sorrow... I don't even feel like sleeping. Oh why? Why am I such a tortured soul?

that's why i hold you, that is why i hold you dear...

1. i have succeeded, i won't compete for long...

2. tonight a special memory serves me

3. i miss you babe, and i want you back, those signs we gave, well weren't those signs supposed to last?

4. we would like to meet the buyer that is on your life

5. i just don't know where the blind could lead the sightless...

6. always... is all i can give

7. i am safe without it, i am safe without it, i am safe without it...

8. please explore my love's endurance, and stay, stay...

9. does he know that i wait for all time?

10. i was on my way... chasing my damage

Sleep paralysis

I am going through an episode of sleep paralysis, which happens to me from time to time... Maybe a couple times a year. It terrifies me, so now I am afraid to lay back down and close my eyes. I read that sleep paralysis is harmless, and if you don't fight it and just let your body fall asleep, you might enter a lucid dream, which would be kinda cool, but I am just too scared to do that. :/

What a ripoff

I would assume that a blueberry bagel would have blueberries in it, not "blueberry flavored bits"

the good and the bad

You feel your heart beat loudest when it's breaking
You and I both know our fatal flaws
We both know that love is what you make it
I want you
All or nothing at all
All or nothing at all

-Switchfoot

Cages

We are all trapped inside the cages of our own body and mind. As long as that is true for us, what does it matter what other cages we are trapped in?

Words for my husband and i to live by

Let us never be our parents.

marriage

on the 31st i will have a new name and a new husband.

we've been together for five and a half years... i guess it's time.

my new dog

several months ago, realized that my life would be better if i had a dog. not only was petlessness awful, but i felt that a dog would help me stop over-sleeping and get out of the house more. i talked to my psychiatrist (no i am not ashamed that i have a psychiatrist) about it, and she wrote me a letter recommending an emotional support dog.

two months ago, david finally agreed to let me get a dog. i showed the letter to the landlord and got approval. now, i just needed to find a dog.

i couldn't use whiley or bubble, because neither of them were well behaved enough to live in this otherwise no-pet housing. also i wouldn't split them up, and i couldn't take them away from my mom anyway. i went to craigslist, and after meeting and being rejected for a dog, decided to adopt one from a rescue group or shelter. i'd noticed shelter ads mentioning free adoptions through maddie's fund. it was through this fund that i'd adopted a cat a year earlier.

on june 1st, i went to the adoptathon in san francisco. i had already spent hours researching online the rescue groups and dogs that would be there. i had made a list of some dogs. my first two dogs of interest were already claimed. my second dog of interest was large and a puller and much too strong for me to control. my fourth dog of interest, who i was going to adopt, turned out to not qualify for the fund and thus cost 350(!) dollars. as the event was ending and the dogs were thinning, i was determined to find a dog for me. i noticed a cute random dog and asked her handler, "who is this?" it was a little red and tan chihuahua named belinda. she belonged the sanfrancisco animal care and control. the guy took me inside a room to meet her. as soon as she was put onto the floor she started whining a very high pitched and obnoxious whine. i tried to get her attention, but she just kept whining. i couldn't even standing being in the room with the noise, so i went to look at other dogs in the shelter.

i hadn't originally wanted to adopt a dog from the shelter. the personalities of dogs in shelters are not well known, as opposed to the dogs in foster homes. however, the rescue groups were leaving, but the shelter of course was still there. i knew this was my final chance. i looked around the kennels, many of which were empty due to dogs being adopted or wandering around the event or being met by other people. all of the dogs that i saw were small, most of them chihuahua mixes, and none of them entirely desirable for my needs. there was one that i was interested in meeting, but i decided to check the floor with the puppies first, in case there was an older one that might fit my needs.

i was taken to a room that i could not enter, due to having very young puppies in it. i looked at the descriptions of the dogs on the wall. i chose to meet one called rosie simply because, at two years, she was the oldest dog in there.

i went to a meeting a room, and a shelter staff person brought her in. she was a small tan colored italian greyhound/chihuahua mix, lean with long legs and a pointy pace and floppy triangle ears. she was shy, and at first wouldn't come to me. i picked a small orange ball from the floor and tossed it. she chased after it, but didn't bring it back to me. i picked it up again, and tapped it on the floor. she came over to me. after a few tries she was coming to the tapping and finally retrieved the ball and brought it back to me. with her near me, i petted her. she shook with anxiety but also seemed to like it. i threw the ball again, and this time she brought it back to me and crawled into my lap. it was so sweet. she lacked the confidence that i would have preferred in a dog, but was willing to give me a chance. i decided to give her a chance.

 

david and i had trouble agreeing on a name. it turns out that we have completely different tastes in names. after a few days, we finally decided on cally.

it's been almost two months now. cally has gotten me to get out of the house more to take her on walks. i am over-sleeping less. she helps me wake up sometimes by whining to tell me she has to go outside. 

i am feeding her a grain free food called "taste of the wild." for treats i use dehydrated raw venison and duck jerky. i try to walk her most days, and i work on obedience training frequently. she has learned sit, down, stay, come, look, under, up, off and stop. i take her outside about four times a day, and clean up her poop right way instead of leaving it sitting in the yard. i bathe her, brush her teeth and clean her ears regularly. i have gotten her a crate, a water bowl, a food dispensing ball, a bed, many toys, real bones, a vest, a short leash, a 20 foot leash, shampoo, coat deodorizing spray, ear cleaner, toothpaste, toothbrush, a mouth spray (kind of like doggy mouthwash), and a pretty pink collar.

she eats half a cup of food a day and maintains a 7.2 pound body weight. a five pound bag of food has lasted her a month. she gets ten pieces of the venison food a day as a supplement and treat. i cut each piece into four smaller pieces and use them for training throughout the day. if i run out of those, i use small pieces of duck jerky. she loves the venison more than anything.

at night she sleeps in a blocked off area right beside my side of the bed, with her blanket and cow hoof chew. she's not allowed on the bed, but loves snuggling on the couch. she likes her crate ok, and goes in there on her own to lay down. her current favorite toy is a kong "snugga wubba" and her current favorite bone is a deer shank.

i really want to be more of a responsible dog owner than i have been. i want to take care of her properly and keep her healthy. i want to do something right.

it's been two years

i decided to check on this today. i didn't realize that hadn't updated it in more than two years! i could say a lot of things have happened, but for two years... maybe it's not too much. i don't know. in the last two years:

binky died
i adopted a cat
lost my job
moved in with david
went to berkeley city college for two semesters
adopted a dog

yep. those are the main things. the most current thing is that i will be moving back to oregon this weekend. david and i will be living in my parents garage until we end up somewhere else. i will be reunited with my cats (who went to live with my parents when i moved in with david) and dogs. my new dog will meet my other dogs.

more later.

my binky :(

my new kitty - Kid A

new dog - cally

melting in the heat and in depression

david isn't letting me come over this week until friday. then i only get to see him for a few hours on friday. so that's a total of three days straight of being all alone, and then only seeing him for a short time. apparently he is very busy with his school work. if only he were able to get more done when i am there, maybe he wouldn't be shunning me like this.

i don't handle being alone well, and i am very depressed about this. i've been crying almost constantly since last night. my sleep was very tortured. i was woken up by a sound and it took me hours to get back to sleep.

i ended up at some point where i was so tired and partially asleep, that i couldn't hold my eyes open for more than a second. i kept hearing noises. it was like auditory hallucinations. i heard people talking outside the house and outside my room. i heard noises that couldn't possibly have been happening: coins shifting, keyboard music, david talking, and so many things that i can't remember. i tried to open my eyes, thinking it would stop if i woke up more, but i couldn't keep them open. eventually i fell back asleep.

i tried to sleep as long as i could, since when i am awake, tortured thoughts are constantly running through my mind. around 1:30 pm, my dad called me and woke me up. going back to sleep was impossible, because it's so hot in my room. it's currently 80 degrees in here.

sigh. it's not this hot in david's room.

now i feel very physically sick from this depression (and also the heat.) my stomach is tied in knots. i've eaten almost nothing in the last 24 hours, but my feelings of loneliness and rejection are far stronger than any hunger. i don't have much food anyway.

i have this horrible sinking feeling inside me. the things he said last night on the phone make me think of the other people that have rejected and abandoned me. i am very scared. he could end this suffering so easily, just by letting me come over, but he won't. yes, i know he's busy. but isn't letting me sit quietly in the corner, at the computer, worth sparing me from this hell.

wasp

look at this face. look at this disgusting, evil face.

david and i were walking in the berkeley hills today. we had just reached la loma park, when i felt a tiny spot of extreme pain on my inner thigh. i thought something was biting me, but when i looked down, i saw the little yellow and black creature. a wasp, according to david. it was on my jacket that i had tied around my waist. i pulled the jacket off and threw it to the ground.

i had never been stung by one of these before. i was stung by a bee once, when it got stuck in my sleeve, but it was only a mild irritation. i described it as a "light sting," with the stinger still attached to the bee and not me. but this... it hurt so bad that i started crying profusely. i cried for several minutes, as others at the park looked over at me. 

i picked up my jacket, and found the nasty insect still sitting on it. i flung it around in the air and ran away. i headed toward the bathroom to look at the damage: a tiny red wound. so much hurt from such a small spot!

i sat down for a few minutes as i continued crying. david kept thinking he saw things flying around, in a paranoid manner. i picked up my jacket once again, and the stupid thing was still there!! it started to fly and i ran away again, deciding that i didn't even want the jacket anymore.

we headed back down the hill, david carrying the offending jacket. walking was incredibly painful, with my pants rubbing against the sting. when we got back to his place, he took me on his motorcycle (yeah, i finally got a motorcycle helmet, but shh... don't tell my parents) to cvs to get some sort of cream to put on in. i got two things, unable to decide what to get. neither of them really helped with pain though.

it's been about four and half hours, and it still hurts. the only thing that helps is to put ice on it. 

why do sucky things happen to me?

images from here

update: i figured out why the stupid thing kept going back to my jacket. it was the lavender lotion that i had in my pocket. i won't make that mistake again. also, i was feeling better the next day.

sometimes i feel this way

i want my mommy

trying not to be a failure

so i ended up going to david's place on monday, and i ended up staying all the way until friday morning, when i had to leave for work and he had to leave for the airport. so now he's back in oregon and i won't be seeing him again until tuesday or wednesday. which sucks.

i had my meeting with elizabeth and krystal. apparently i have to have all of the cleaning done by noon. that's THREE HOURS to clean up after about THIRTY FIVE rabbits! (not possible.) so now i have to starting going in at 8 instead of 9 (waking up up at 6. yay.) and working super fast. (might need more stimulants.) also, we're changing shifts. i'll be working sunday, monday and tuesday. the shelter is closed on monday, so i don't have to get done by noon, and tuesday is generally less busy than the weekend.

i have to get better or else i'm in trouble. i'm still not very employable, and have nowhere to go if i'm not.

...

so i've been wanting to post pictures, and since i am mentioning my work, i might as well share some of the pictures i've taken of some of the bunnies. these were taken in october and november of last year:

nicholas

rachel - adopted

stardust

d'artagnon

temperance - adopted

javelin - adopted

roger - adopted

taylor (left) went home with that cute little netherland dwarf

rain

hans

bunnie and clyde

cyrano

i am a failure at life

i don't want to write about what is going on with krystal (the other animal care person at my work) and elizabeth (my boss.) i don't want to because it keeps going through my head and i'm just sick of it and i really want it to stop. i also really want to see david, because seeing him always makes me feel better, but i can't. i don't know when i'll get to see him again, because he is studying for his finals and he said he didn't know when he wanted me to come over again. he's leaving on friday and i really wanted to spend some time with him before he left. i'm going to miss him and i'm already missing him because i haven't seen him since wednesday. and that's long enough to start missing him.

i'm so depressed. i've spent most of the day laying in bed, either half asleep or crying.

so krystal is complaining that i'm not getting enough work done before the day that she goes in, and this time she complained to elizabeth. yesterday, i worked hard and to the point that my entire body was in extreme pain. i really really didn't want to give up my ride home to stay after and get all of the extra things done. now she says that i "only do the bare minimum of the basic chores" which isn't even true. i don't have the time or energy to do more than i've been doing.

now i am certain (before i was just unsure) that elizabeth doesn't like me, and i'm so scared of her that i want to cry, even right now, even though i don't have to see her again till friday.

i wish so bad that i could talk to someone, but david is the only one i can talk to.

the creepy sand face castle

so on tuesday, tara, my best friend from portland (and stanford), was coming through berkeley in her travels and stopped to spend the day with me. we went to muir beach, which is up in the marin headlands, north of san francisco. we also went out for pizza, stopped at safeway, and then went back to my place for a sleepover. early the next morning, she went to the airport to fly off to hawaii. from there she will get on a boat and spend five weeks doing some sort of ocean research related to her studies. apparently the reefs are turning to acid or something.

it was fun to spend some time with her again, since we hadn't spent much time together in the last four or five years. while at the beach, i took some pictures of course (you may want to click for larger views):

ick. i look bad.

tara looks better, even though the lighting isn't great

cute border collie

yes, there does appear to be a dead bird in the background of this picture of a bird

look at this interesting house, with its many windows for ocean views

there were lots of fancy houses

pretty waves

look, a boat

fishing?

so our sand castle/village endeavor started with this little castle we found that someone else had made:

clearly created with a mold

we moved farther down to wetter sand, and started our creation. somehow, this first building's odd shape and towers ended up looking like some sort of creepy face. i realized this once i made the door that looked like a mouth. i then added some eyes just for fun.

i added some bushes outside this sand building, which only made is creepier.

creepy sand face

tara made an entrance thingy

the dead crab leg was a little disturbing

then tara made this one:

and i made this one:

tara made another building, we added a wall, and i made a bushy/grassy/forresty area

and then i made a mountain

mountain behind the village

we lined the road to the other castle with rocks/boulders

must go through dead crab leg gate to enter or exit

it's a long road to creepy-face village

then, this fluffy dog peed on my mountain

and last but not least, a funny dog action shot: