melting in the heat and in depression

david isn't letting me come over this week until friday. then i only get to see him for a few hours on friday. so that's a total of three days straight of being all alone, and then only seeing him for a short time. apparently he is very busy with his school work. if only he were able to get more done when i am there, maybe he wouldn't be shunning me like this.

i don't handle being alone well, and i am very depressed about this. i've been crying almost constantly since last night. my sleep was very tortured. i was woken up by a sound and it took me hours to get back to sleep.

i ended up at some point where i was so tired and partially asleep, that i couldn't hold my eyes open for more than a second. i kept hearing noises. it was like auditory hallucinations. i heard people talking outside the house and outside my room. i heard noises that couldn't possibly have been happening: coins shifting, keyboard music, david talking, and so many things that i can't remember. i tried to open my eyes, thinking it would stop if i woke up more, but i couldn't keep them open. eventually i fell back asleep.

i tried to sleep as long as i could, since when i am awake, tortured thoughts are constantly running through my mind. around 1:30 pm, my dad called me and woke me up. going back to sleep was impossible, because it's so hot in my room. it's currently 80 degrees in here.

sigh. it's not this hot in david's room.

now i feel very physically sick from this depression (and also the heat.) my stomach is tied in knots. i've eaten almost nothing in the last 24 hours, but my feelings of loneliness and rejection are far stronger than any hunger. i don't have much food anyway.

i have this horrible sinking feeling inside me. the things he said last night on the phone make me think of the other people that have rejected and abandoned me. i am very scared. he could end this suffering so easily, just by letting me come over, but he won't. yes, i know he's busy. but isn't letting me sit quietly in the corner, at the computer, worth sparing me from this hell.

wasp

look at this face. look at this disgusting, evil face.

david and i were walking in the berkeley hills today. we had just reached la loma park, when i felt a tiny spot of extreme pain on my inner thigh. i thought something was biting me, but when i looked down, i saw the little yellow and black creature. a wasp, according to david. it was on my jacket that i had tied around my waist. i pulled the jacket off and threw it to the ground.

i had never been stung by one of these before. i was stung by a bee once, when it got stuck in my sleeve, but it was only a mild irritation. i described it as a "light sting," with the stinger still attached to the bee and not me. but this... it hurt so bad that i started crying profusely. i cried for several minutes, as others at the park looked over at me. 

i picked up my jacket, and found the nasty insect still sitting on it. i flung it around in the air and ran away. i headed toward the bathroom to look at the damage: a tiny red wound. so much hurt from such a small spot!

i sat down for a few minutes as i continued crying. david kept thinking he saw things flying around, in a paranoid manner. i picked up my jacket once again, and the stupid thing was still there!! it started to fly and i ran away again, deciding that i didn't even want the jacket anymore.

we headed back down the hill, david carrying the offending jacket. walking was incredibly painful, with my pants rubbing against the sting. when we got back to his place, he took me on his motorcycle (yeah, i finally got a motorcycle helmet, but shh... don't tell my parents) to cvs to get some sort of cream to put on in. i got two things, unable to decide what to get. neither of them really helped with pain though.

it's been about four and half hours, and it still hurts. the only thing that helps is to put ice on it. 

why do sucky things happen to me?

images from here

update: i figured out why the stupid thing kept going back to my jacket. it was the lavender lotion that i had in my pocket. i won't make that mistake again. also, i was feeling better the next day.

sometimes i feel this way

i want my mommy

trying not to be a failure

so i ended up going to david's place on monday, and i ended up staying all the way until friday morning, when i had to leave for work and he had to leave for the airport. so now he's back in oregon and i won't be seeing him again until tuesday or wednesday. which sucks.

i had my meeting with elizabeth and krystal. apparently i have to have all of the cleaning done by noon. that's THREE HOURS to clean up after about THIRTY FIVE rabbits! (not possible.) so now i have to starting going in at 8 instead of 9 (waking up up at 6. yay.) and working super fast. (might need more stimulants.) also, we're changing shifts. i'll be working sunday, monday and tuesday. the shelter is closed on monday, so i don't have to get done by noon, and tuesday is generally less busy than the weekend.

i have to get better or else i'm in trouble. i'm still not very employable, and have nowhere to go if i'm not.

...

so i've been wanting to post pictures, and since i am mentioning my work, i might as well share some of the pictures i've taken of some of the bunnies. these were taken in october and november of last year:

nicholas

rachel - adopted

stardust

d'artagnon

temperance - adopted

javelin - adopted

roger - adopted

taylor (left) went home with that cute little netherland dwarf

rain

hans

bunnie and clyde

cyrano

i am a failure at life

i don't want to write about what is going on with krystal (the other animal care person at my work) and elizabeth (my boss.) i don't want to because it keeps going through my head and i'm just sick of it and i really want it to stop. i also really want to see david, because seeing him always makes me feel better, but i can't. i don't know when i'll get to see him again, because he is studying for his finals and he said he didn't know when he wanted me to come over again. he's leaving on friday and i really wanted to spend some time with him before he left. i'm going to miss him and i'm already missing him because i haven't seen him since wednesday. and that's long enough to start missing him.

i'm so depressed. i've spent most of the day laying in bed, either half asleep or crying.

so krystal is complaining that i'm not getting enough work done before the day that she goes in, and this time she complained to elizabeth. yesterday, i worked hard and to the point that my entire body was in extreme pain. i really really didn't want to give up my ride home to stay after and get all of the extra things done. now she says that i "only do the bare minimum of the basic chores" which isn't even true. i don't have the time or energy to do more than i've been doing.

now i am certain (before i was just unsure) that elizabeth doesn't like me, and i'm so scared of her that i want to cry, even right now, even though i don't have to see her again till friday.

i wish so bad that i could talk to someone, but david is the only one i can talk to.

the creepy sand face castle

so on tuesday, tara, my best friend from portland (and stanford), was coming through berkeley in her travels and stopped to spend the day with me. we went to muir beach, which is up in the marin headlands, north of san francisco. we also went out for pizza, stopped at safeway, and then went back to my place for a sleepover. early the next morning, she went to the airport to fly off to hawaii. from there she will get on a boat and spend five weeks doing some sort of ocean research related to her studies. apparently the reefs are turning to acid or something.

it was fun to spend some time with her again, since we hadn't spent much time together in the last four or five years. while at the beach, i took some pictures of course (you may want to click for larger views):

ick. i look bad.

tara looks better, even though the lighting isn't great

cute border collie

yes, there does appear to be a dead bird in the background of this picture of a bird

look at this interesting house, with its many windows for ocean views

there were lots of fancy houses

pretty waves

look, a boat

fishing?

so our sand castle/village endeavor started with this little castle we found that someone else had made:

clearly created with a mold

we moved farther down to wetter sand, and started our creation. somehow, this first building's odd shape and towers ended up looking like some sort of creepy face. i realized this once i made the door that looked like a mouth. i then added some eyes just for fun.

i added some bushes outside this sand building, which only made is creepier.

creepy sand face

tara made an entrance thingy

the dead crab leg was a little disturbing

then tara made this one:

and i made this one:

tara made another building, we added a wall, and i made a bushy/grassy/forresty area

and then i made a mountain

mountain behind the village

we lined the road to the other castle with rocks/boulders

must go through dead crab leg gate to enter or exit

it's a long road to creepy-face village

then, this fluffy dog peed on my mountain

and last but not least, a funny dog action shot:

portland pictures

so i haven't been updating here much. i'm just so busy on the days that i work, and then when i'm at david's place on the other days, i can't use his computer like i use mine. i'm going to try to update more often though. at least once a week.

i have a whole mess of pictures that i want to share, so i'm going to start on that.

here's a couple pictures from my home... good old portland oregon. these were sitting in a folder where i keep my pictures that i have not yet shared with the world. the first two are of david and i, at a park called powell butte. behind us you can see the wonderful mt. hood.

i miss my portland...

i'm holding my dog, bubble, and wearing my special warm jacket that david got me for my birthday

my cute cute david!

this picture is of my two awesome dogs: bubble the pomeranian, and whiley the australian shepherd/american eskimo mix. i haven't seen them in eight months. (they are living with my parents in washington.) i miss them too :(

bubble would lay on whiley like this, and he didn't mind. silly doggies!

my little room

i'm in my little room in berkeley. my little room that is mine because i pay $450 a month for it. it's all i have. the rest of the house is shared with two other people. just this little room is my space.

i try to make it cozy. i have a nice big bed with lots of blankets. it's good for lounging as well as sleeping. i can't lounge there and watch tv though. i don't have a tv. i have a computer that can download tv shows, but i don't have a tv that i can just turn on and flip through the channels to see if there's anything interesting to look at. any people faces that can appear on the screen and make me feel less alone.

i've got lots of pictures on my walls. i have pictures of david, a few pictures of some of my animals, and pictures of places on postcards. the prettiest places of places. i have a rabbit calendar and a switchfoot calendar and a switchfoot poster. i have things to look at on my wall, but they don't move around and don't make me feel less alone.

i keep it nice and warm in here. nice and warm and comfy. i usually have my windows blocked with blankets to keep out the light while i am sleeping and make my little space cave-like. but right now i have one removed so some sunlight can come in here and hopefully make me feel better. but the bars over the window only enhance the isolated feelings.

i have two cats in here. they do help a little bit to make it less lonely.

it's quiet in here. i've been playing music today but that only makes it seem more quiet when i finally get tired of listening to it and turn it off.

i have no reason to feel lonely or down. i work three days a week and visit with david on the other days. but david doesn't want me around so much so now i have to spend more time here. i'm still unalone more often than not, but when i am alone i am just reminded of tortured thoughts that i would rather not think about. i miss my parents. don't know when i'll see them again. it's been three months and that feels like too much. i lived with them for 22 years. now i don't even see them once in three months. and they are not getting younger. david will never be as devoted to me as they are. when they are no longer around, just think how much more alone i will be.

my little room with my barred window

those two are loki (brown) and binky (orange)

lots of pictures on my walls...

david made this long ago, i hung it over my bed

new blog

welcome to my new blog. (whatever that means.) this new, fancy blog is a continuation of this old, musty blog. feel free to look around there if you wish to know more history about me and my life. you can also get to the old blog, and the even older blog, by clicking those "blog generation" links over there to the right.

to learn more about me and my life more quickly, you can click on over to my 100 facts about me page, which is linked over to the left. there you can find out all sorts of random things and look at fun pictures.

even more fun is my spiffy weasel page which you can get to by clicking on that cute little ferret up there on the right.

so take a look around, and come back soon to see my updates and my continuing to blog about my life and whatnot. if you like things like cute baby bunnies, tsunami nightmares and creepy guys handing out flowers at the laundromat, then you surely won't be disappointed!