melting in the heat and in depression

david isn't letting me come over this week until friday. then i only get to see him for a few hours on friday. so that's a total of three days straight of being all alone, and then only seeing him for a short time. apparently he is very busy with his school work. if only he were able to get more done when i am there, maybe he wouldn't be shunning me like this.

i don't handle being alone well, and i am very depressed about this. i've been crying almost constantly since last night. my sleep was very tortured. i was woken up by a sound and it took me hours to get back to sleep.

i ended up at some point where i was so tired and partially asleep, that i couldn't hold my eyes open for more than a second. i kept hearing noises. it was like auditory hallucinations. i heard people talking outside the house and outside my room. i heard noises that couldn't possibly have been happening: coins shifting, keyboard music, david talking, and so many things that i can't remember. i tried to open my eyes, thinking it would stop if i woke up more, but i couldn't keep them open. eventually i fell back asleep.

i tried to sleep as long as i could, since when i am awake, tortured thoughts are constantly running through my mind. around 1:30 pm, my dad called me and woke me up. going back to sleep was impossible, because it's so hot in my room. it's currently 80 degrees in here.

sigh. it's not this hot in david's room.

now i feel very physically sick from this depression (and also the heat.) my stomach is tied in knots. i've eaten almost nothing in the last 24 hours, but my feelings of loneliness and rejection are far stronger than any hunger. i don't have much food anyway.

i have this horrible sinking feeling inside me. the things he said last night on the phone make me think of the other people that have rejected and abandoned me. i am very scared. he could end this suffering so easily, just by letting me come over, but he won't. yes, i know he's busy. but isn't letting me sit quietly in the corner, at the computer, worth sparing me from this hell.