i used to be good at blogging. for years, nearly every day, i wrote about everything that was happening in my life. then i met david. then, i had something to do besides sit around and write. and he was all into computer security and privacy and anonymity... and what i was doing was certainly not anonymous. this isn't anonymous at all. but, i don't really care. i just have to be careful to not say certain things. which kinda annoys me. i want to be able to say whatever i want, but then i would need a blog that is completely anonymous, which is harder than you might think. it's not too hard to remain anonymous to the general public, but nearly impossible to remain anonymous to the government.
and when the world turns into the depiction in "1984," my blog will do me in for sure.
so, an update on my life. an update for no one who cares. people used to read what i wrote. then i stopped writing. i got less interesting. why can't i be as interesting as i used to be? i'm not as depressed. there's something about sorrow, something about loneliness, something about discontentment... it inspires a more beautiful, more true, more honest art. sorrow and love. great sources of inspiration, and oddly related. anyway...
so david and i got married. we did it in the best way that we know to do things... quietly and without witness. ok, so there had to be witnesses. for some legal reason, there has to be witnesses. but they weren't people we knew. they were provided by the officiant that i found online and hired. we did it, us the three other people, at lauralhurst park, in portland. it happened to be on new year's eve. we didn't plan it that way. i just happened to be that day.
so david and i got married, and we can't live together. neither of us has any income, and so we are forced to live with our parents. david won't live here with my parents, and i can't live with him with his parents. so i'm in milwaukie, he's in salem, and we get to visit a couple of times a month. it sucks. it sucks so very, very much.
so i'm searching out employment, but as someone with social anxiety, very few skills, and no degree, it's very difficult. so if you're in the portland, oregon area, and are hiring for just about anything, let me know, ok?
i made a new friend. he's been around since before i was born. has more interest in me than most new friends i make. he'd actually been waiting for me for years. who is he? my brother, bobby. he's like ten years older than me. he's my dad's kid, but not my mom's. if you know me, you know i had/have selective mutism. among other people, i wouldn't talk to or around bobby and his wife. not until recently.
it started when he emailed me, and i emailed him back, and i took a large dose of anxiety medication, and went out to a restaurant with him. they say it gets easier with time. it doesn't. i mean, it does, but very, very slowly. but it is true... the first words are the hardest. you agonize over them. you think about it over and over again. you run words and phrases through your head. you try to plan it out. but what do you say? what is the very first thing you say? you haven't spoken to this person in like, 20 years, and you are terrified to do so. you are literally afraid to open your mouth and speak. what is the first thing you say?
"i don't eat vegetables."
that is the first thing i said. and it went on from there. he asked me some things, and i answered some things, and he said some things, and i listened to some things that he said... i finally did it. i finally spoke to my brother bobby, who is ten years older than me and really likes drugs.
that was some months ago. i don't know whether to say a few months, or several months. i think it's somewhere in between. i've been going over to his house a few times a month. i usually go over there in the evening and stay overnight. we play wii and watch movies and hang out, and it's nice. he's got a wife, and they've got three kids. there's paris, she's 12 i think. there's "little" bobby, he's 9 i think, and he's autistic but sociable. he doesn't talk, but he'll interact with you... when he feels like it, on his own terms. and then there's laila, she's 4 and adorable.
so yeah. it's pretty fun over there, so long as everyone is relatively happy and getting along.
i guess that's the most significant recent change in my life. i could tell you that i changed operating systems, but that's not very interesting. i could tell you that i got another cat, but that's not particularly interesting either. it is to me. but not many others.
i guess i'll just leave this as is, and promise to try to write more. we'll see.
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