my little room

i'm in my little room in berkeley. my little room that is mine because i pay $450 a month for it. it's all i have. the rest of the house is shared with two other people. just this little room is my space.

i try to make it cozy. i have a nice big bed with lots of blankets. it's good for lounging as well as sleeping. i can't lounge there and watch tv though. i don't have a tv. i have a computer that can download tv shows, but i don't have a tv that i can just turn on and flip through the channels to see if there's anything interesting to look at. any people faces that can appear on the screen and make me feel less alone.

i've got lots of pictures on my walls. i have pictures of david, a few pictures of some of my animals, and pictures of places on postcards. the prettiest places of places. i have a rabbit calendar and a switchfoot calendar and a switchfoot poster. i have things to look at on my wall, but they don't move around and don't make me feel less alone.

i keep it nice and warm in here. nice and warm and comfy. i usually have my windows blocked with blankets to keep out the light while i am sleeping and make my little space cave-like. but right now i have one removed so some sunlight can come in here and hopefully make me feel better. but the bars over the window only enhance the isolated feelings.

i have two cats in here. they do help a little bit to make it less lonely.

it's quiet in here. i've been playing music today but that only makes it seem more quiet when i finally get tired of listening to it and turn it off.

i have no reason to feel lonely or down. i work three days a week and visit with david on the other days. but david doesn't want me around so much so now i have to spend more time here. i'm still unalone more often than not, but when i am alone i am just reminded of tortured thoughts that i would rather not think about. i miss my parents. don't know when i'll see them again. it's been three months and that feels like too much. i lived with them for 22 years. now i don't even see them once in three months. and they are not getting younger. david will never be as devoted to me as they are. when they are no longer around, just think how much more alone i will be.

my little room with my barred window

those two are loki (brown) and binky (orange)

lots of pictures on my walls...

david made this long ago, i hung it over my bed