melting in the heat and in depression

david isn't letting me come over this week until friday. then i only get to see him for a few hours on friday. so that's a total of three days straight of being all alone, and then only seeing him for a short time. apparently he is very busy with his school work. if only he were able to get more done when i am there, maybe he wouldn't be shunning me like this.

i don't handle being alone well, and i am very depressed about this. i've been crying almost constantly since last night. my sleep was very tortured. i was woken up by a sound and it took me hours to get back to sleep.

i ended up at some point where i was so tired and partially asleep, that i couldn't hold my eyes open for more than a second. i kept hearing noises. it was like auditory hallucinations. i heard people talking outside the house and outside my room. i heard noises that couldn't possibly have been happening: coins shifting, keyboard music, david talking, and so many things that i can't remember. i tried to open my eyes, thinking it would stop if i woke up more, but i couldn't keep them open. eventually i fell back asleep.

i tried to sleep as long as i could, since when i am awake, tortured thoughts are constantly running through my mind. around 1:30 pm, my dad called me and woke me up. going back to sleep was impossible, because it's so hot in my room. it's currently 80 degrees in here.

sigh. it's not this hot in david's room.

now i feel very physically sick from this depression (and also the heat.) my stomach is tied in knots. i've eaten almost nothing in the last 24 hours, but my feelings of loneliness and rejection are far stronger than any hunger. i don't have much food anyway.

i have this horrible sinking feeling inside me. the things he said last night on the phone make me think of the other people that have rejected and abandoned me. i am very scared. he could end this suffering so easily, just by letting me come over, but he won't. yes, i know he's busy. but isn't letting me sit quietly in the corner, at the computer, worth sparing me from this hell.

sometimes i feel this way

i want my mommy

i am a failure at life

i don't want to write about what is going on with krystal (the other animal care person at my work) and elizabeth (my boss.) i don't want to because it keeps going through my head and i'm just sick of it and i really want it to stop. i also really want to see david, because seeing him always makes me feel better, but i can't. i don't know when i'll get to see him again, because he is studying for his finals and he said he didn't know when he wanted me to come over again. he's leaving on friday and i really wanted to spend some time with him before he left. i'm going to miss him and i'm already missing him because i haven't seen him since wednesday. and that's long enough to start missing him.

i'm so depressed. i've spent most of the day laying in bed, either half asleep or crying.

so krystal is complaining that i'm not getting enough work done before the day that she goes in, and this time she complained to elizabeth. yesterday, i worked hard and to the point that my entire body was in extreme pain. i really really didn't want to give up my ride home to stay after and get all of the extra things done. now she says that i "only do the bare minimum of the basic chores" which isn't even true. i don't have the time or energy to do more than i've been doing.

now i am certain (before i was just unsure) that elizabeth doesn't like me, and i'm so scared of her that i want to cry, even right now, even though i don't have to see her again till friday.

i wish so bad that i could talk to someone, but david is the only one i can talk to.