melting in the heat and in depression

david isn't letting me come over this week until friday. then i only get to see him for a few hours on friday. so that's a total of three days straight of being all alone, and then only seeing him for a short time. apparently he is very busy with his school work. if only he were able to get more done when i am there, maybe he wouldn't be shunning me like this.

i don't handle being alone well, and i am very depressed about this. i've been crying almost constantly since last night. my sleep was very tortured. i was woken up by a sound and it took me hours to get back to sleep.

i ended up at some point where i was so tired and partially asleep, that i couldn't hold my eyes open for more than a second. i kept hearing noises. it was like auditory hallucinations. i heard people talking outside the house and outside my room. i heard noises that couldn't possibly have been happening: coins shifting, keyboard music, david talking, and so many things that i can't remember. i tried to open my eyes, thinking it would stop if i woke up more, but i couldn't keep them open. eventually i fell back asleep.

i tried to sleep as long as i could, since when i am awake, tortured thoughts are constantly running through my mind. around 1:30 pm, my dad called me and woke me up. going back to sleep was impossible, because it's so hot in my room. it's currently 80 degrees in here.

sigh. it's not this hot in david's room.

now i feel very physically sick from this depression (and also the heat.) my stomach is tied in knots. i've eaten almost nothing in the last 24 hours, but my feelings of loneliness and rejection are far stronger than any hunger. i don't have much food anyway.

i have this horrible sinking feeling inside me. the things he said last night on the phone make me think of the other people that have rejected and abandoned me. i am very scared. he could end this suffering so easily, just by letting me come over, but he won't. yes, i know he's busy. but isn't letting me sit quietly in the corner, at the computer, worth sparing me from this hell.

portland pictures

so i haven't been updating here much. i'm just so busy on the days that i work, and then when i'm at david's place on the other days, i can't use his computer like i use mine. i'm going to try to update more often though. at least once a week.

i have a whole mess of pictures that i want to share, so i'm going to start on that.

here's a couple pictures from my home... good old portland oregon. these were sitting in a folder where i keep my pictures that i have not yet shared with the world. the first two are of david and i, at a park called powell butte. behind us you can see the wonderful mt. hood.

i miss my portland...

i'm holding my dog, bubble, and wearing my special warm jacket that david got me for my birthday

my cute cute david!

this picture is of my two awesome dogs: bubble the pomeranian, and whiley the australian shepherd/american eskimo mix. i haven't seen them in eight months. (they are living with my parents in washington.) i miss them too :(

bubble would lay on whiley like this, and he didn't mind. silly doggies!

my little room

i'm in my little room in berkeley. my little room that is mine because i pay $450 a month for it. it's all i have. the rest of the house is shared with two other people. just this little room is my space.

i try to make it cozy. i have a nice big bed with lots of blankets. it's good for lounging as well as sleeping. i can't lounge there and watch tv though. i don't have a tv. i have a computer that can download tv shows, but i don't have a tv that i can just turn on and flip through the channels to see if there's anything interesting to look at. any people faces that can appear on the screen and make me feel less alone.

i've got lots of pictures on my walls. i have pictures of david, a few pictures of some of my animals, and pictures of places on postcards. the prettiest places of places. i have a rabbit calendar and a switchfoot calendar and a switchfoot poster. i have things to look at on my wall, but they don't move around and don't make me feel less alone.

i keep it nice and warm in here. nice and warm and comfy. i usually have my windows blocked with blankets to keep out the light while i am sleeping and make my little space cave-like. but right now i have one removed so some sunlight can come in here and hopefully make me feel better. but the bars over the window only enhance the isolated feelings.

i have two cats in here. they do help a little bit to make it less lonely.

it's quiet in here. i've been playing music today but that only makes it seem more quiet when i finally get tired of listening to it and turn it off.

i have no reason to feel lonely or down. i work three days a week and visit with david on the other days. but david doesn't want me around so much so now i have to spend more time here. i'm still unalone more often than not, but when i am alone i am just reminded of tortured thoughts that i would rather not think about. i miss my parents. don't know when i'll see them again. it's been three months and that feels like too much. i lived with them for 22 years. now i don't even see them once in three months. and they are not getting younger. david will never be as devoted to me as they are. when they are no longer around, just think how much more alone i will be.

my little room with my barred window

those two are loki (brown) and binky (orange)

lots of pictures on my walls...

david made this long ago, i hung it over my bed